(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yeah?
- Hi. - Hi.
Uh, me and my buddy we're having a little trouble with our car.
We were wondering if we could use your phone.
I'm sorry, I don't have a phone.
Oh, that's okay, we don't have a car.
(LAUGHS) I don't get it.
This clear it up for you?
No, I'm afraid not. You see, I'm blind.
It's, uh, not a permanent condition. It comes and goes.
DEX: We could've killed you, you know that.
It's a natural instinct for a man to defend his home and property.
Worth giving your life up for?
Well, not that particular property, it's rented.
Well, what the hell you doing up there all alone, asshole?
That's okay, you can call me Nick.
I'm a writer, I'm working on a book.
What line of work you fellas in?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Stop at the next station, asshole.
We need some gas.
- How far are we going? - Carmel.
Oh, yeah? Nice town.
Got a nice bank too.
You ever knock off a bank?
Me?
Not that I can recall. (CHUCKLING)
Well, this will be your first time.
We're gonna rob a bank?
You, me and Bee Gee.
What do we want to do that for?
Because that's our line of work.
- I see. - (LAUGHING)
Pull in there, writer.
Now you remember where this gun is.
Right side, middle of the ribs.
- What'll it be, boys? - Fill it up.
Fill it up.
- Regular? Premium? - Regular.
- Premium. - Premium will be fine.
Want me to check the hood?
- Yeah. - No.
No. It's already been checked, thanks.
Any chance of my going to the john?
- None. - Ever?
(CAR APPROACHING)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTERING)
- Just relax. - I'm relaxed.
Nice day for a drive.
Tell me, where you boys heading?
- Carmel. - Oregon.
Oregon.
Then right up to Oregon, that's our home up there.
Nice country.
Eighteen even.
Pay the man.
You have my wallet.
- Down here on vacation? - Business.
- Vacation. - Vacation. On a fishing trip.
Eighteen out of $20.
Here you are.
Yeah, keep the change.
- Which way to Carmel? - We know the way.
- Thank you. - Move it.
(SIGHS)
I don't know. We may have to call it off.
I don't think we're gonna find a parking space.
Just keep circling 'til somebody pulls out.
Can I ask a dumb question?
What do you need me for?
Because you got a nice honest face.
You're gonna walk up to the teller, smile, and hand her this note.
BOTH: "This is a stick-up. Put all your money in a bag.
"Make one sound and you're dead."
It's good. Good writing. Take it from a pro.
Thanks.
You see?
There's a spot, across the street from the bank.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Just open your jacket and let the lady sees it.
Then she'll know you mean business.
Let's go.
Supposing, once we get inside I decide to blow your heads off?
How? We don't have no bullets.
- Just kidding. - Let's go.
TELLER: There you go.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Next?
- Hi. Can I help you? - Yes, you can.
What is this?
Read it. It's self-explanatory.
- Oh, my God! - I know. I know.
- Oh, my God! - I feel the same way.
What do I do?
I don't know. Let's take a look.
"Stick-up, put all your money in a bag.
"One more sound and you're dead."
- (GASPS) - Bless you.
Oh, uh…
- Should I pick it up? - Please pick it up.
- No, leave it. Leave it there. - Leave it?
Or you can pick it up. Whatever you…
- What do you usually do? - I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know either.
You want change too?
- Yes, please. - Okay.
- No change. Keep the change. - No?
Listen, I have nothing to do with this.
It's those two guys over there by the desk.
Look at them.
This isn't even loaded.
(GASPS) Oh, God, please, don't hurt me.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Hi, Helen. - Hello, Mrs. Herman.
Mrs. Herman, would you mind going to the next window?
I'm getting a payroll.
- Okay. - Thanks.
Listen, do me a favor.
Tell the police I had nothing to do with this, okay?
Thank you. Nice job.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
- Are you all right, sir? - (MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
MAN: (SOFTLY) Is he all right?
Oh, shit!
Jesus!
Well, I'm thrilled, too, Stanley.
Well, you know how I've wanted it.
I think I can do a hell of a job for you.
Well, thank you, that means a lot to me.
I've got some ideas for the campaign
I'd like to sit down and discuss with you.
Why don't we have dinner next week?
Tuesday night at our house?
Aurora's chicken pepperoni.
I know how you love it. Thank you very much.
It's set. Attorney general, state of California.
The Governor's backing me.
- Congratulations, Ira. - Thanks, Fred.
I always knew you'd make it.
I've been saving these for four years.
Starting to grow ferns.
Let's not smoke them until you see this.
In a second.
Jackie, would you get me my wife, please.
- JACKIE (OVER PHONE): Yes, sir. - Call her later, please.
Well, hold that a second, Jackie. What's wrong?
- Recognize him? - No.
He looks a little like my wife's first husband.
- Who is he? - Your wife's first husband.
Gardenia? What'd he do?
Knocked off the Bank of the Pacific in Carmel.
Got $7,000 plus.
Walked in, handed the girl a note,
flashed a gun and walked out.
If they still want you for Attorney General, this could be your first case.
Is this a gag?
This is a government agency.
You know we don't have a sense of humor.
He was seen driving away with two unidentified men.
There were smart enough not to get their picture taken.
Putz. Putz.
Doesn't even know how to rob a bank,
looks right into the camera.
Couldn't ask for a better picture.
What is he wearing, makeup?
This, plus the fact that he spent two years in a Mexican jail
is gonna make terrific copy for the opposition.
They never proved that he was personally smuggling in the drugs.
They found him in the car with five kilos and four Mexicans.
A three and a half minute trial,
you don't call that justice.
Ira, you've got my vote.
But we're living in a very conservative state.
You're gonna have image trouble.
The sooner he's caught, the better off we are.
What are the police doing?
The usual. Roadblocks, a couple of helicopters, dogs, big dogs.
Anything else?
Can we call the Air Force and ask for saturation bombing?
Thanks a lot, Glenda.
JUDGE: Mrs. Parks, is there any legal reason
why the sentence should not now be imposed on your clients?
No, Your Honor.
All right.
In view of the extenuating circumstances in this case,
I'm willing to release your clients,
Robert Broken Feather
and Thomas Jefferson Wolf Call,
on probation.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I wish to make it clear, however, that I do not condone their behavior.
And that is a condition for probation.
They're gonna have to make restitution to the Welfare Department
for some $326.41 in damages.
What would you do, Your Honor,
if the government withheld your welfare checks for six months
because of a clerical error?
I would try to get along on my pension.
I want to see these two young men in my court in three weeks,
gainfully employed or showing just cause why they're not.
Otherwise, I shall reconsider my reconsiderations.
I will personally see to it they have jobs.
We don't know how to thank you, Mrs. Parks.
We're really grateful.
It's okay.
Can we buy you a beer?
No, you can't buy me a beer, you're on probation.
Try Dr Pepper.
I want to see you both in my office at 9:00 in the morning.
There's ranch in Topanga Canyon that needs some help with their horses.
Are you interested?
Uh, we can't ride.
Can't ride? Terrific. What can you do?
I was in the Navy for three years.
Served on the bridge.
Well, maybe the stable needs some help with their boats.
See you tomorrow.
Bye. Let's get out of here.
- How'd we do, boss? - We won an overtime.
And don't call me boss. Didn't you see Roots?
Chester, where'd you get that hat?
From a chauffeur.
- You stole it? - No, I found it.
- Where? - On a chauffeur.
Chester, the only reason I made you a chauffeur is to keep you from stealing.
Why are you doing this to me?
Because I wanna be as good a chauffeur as I am a stealer.
Well, there's a certain sincere logic in that, I suppose.
I hope you boys won't be offended by this,
but, I gotta get back to work.
And I was wondering if I could quit the gang.
Be willing to give up my share of the money.
Obviously, I'd be sworn to secrecy.
You know, I think we've all grown really close to each other
since this morning.
What do you say, Bee Gee?
If the man wants out, let him out.
Really appreciate that, Bee Gee.
Forget I mentioned the name.
Is this a good spot here?
Maybe near a bus depot.
Or here. Here's good. I like here a lot.
Okay. Step out any place you want.
Any chance of, uh, stopping the car first?
(LAUGHING)
How about slowing down to 55?
(BEE GEE LAUGHING)
Not here! (GRUNTING)
You realize you went through a stop sign back there, don't you?
Can't help it. I don't like to read while I drive.
When are we gonna discuss my raise?
Raise? I can't afford you now.
This is my 12th case in the same suit.
- 8:15 tomorrow morning. - Mmm-hmm.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(BARKING)
Hi. Hi, fellas. Hi.
Ooh! (LAUGHS)
(SQUEALS)
You're smothering me!
A simple hello will do.
Hey, all right, who peed?
And don't blame it on the cats, they're in the kitchen.
- Hi, honey. - IRA: Hi, Glen.
Come on. Come on, you bad dogs.
Stan, I want you to know, if it embarrasses you in any way whatsoever,
I'll bow out now.
I know as much about it as you do.
Glenda just got in now. I don't think she knows.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
What's the matter, Aurora, you sound grouchy.
What's the matter?
I got six dogs, two cats, five goldfish, a chauffeur, a man and woman to feed,
and none of you eats the same time or the same food.
Five dogs, not six.
Well, one of them has a guest for dinner.
Oh, my God! Where did he come from?
If I was a stray dog, this is the first place I'd come to.
Oh, he must've been the one who peed on the floor.
That's nothing compared to what he's done on the stairs.
Oh, I'll clean it up. Don't tell Mr. Parks.
He's so busy he won't notice it for weeks.
He will if he doesn't wear slippers around the house.
I'm sorry, Stanley, I missed that.
(DOGS BARKING)
Glenda, Glenda.
No, we're still on for dinner Tuesday.
Yeah. Oh, well, I appreciate that.
Okay, I'll see you then.
I'll sign over everything I have in the world to you
if you give those dogs their freedom.
They miss me, they haven't seen me all day.
Neither have I, and I'm not barking.
Yes, you are.
I have to talk to you, I can't hear myself think. Let's go upstairs.
No, not the stairs, in the garden.
- The garden? - Yes, it's much quieter there.
I've got some news, Glen, some wonderful news.
- Oh, God, no! - What?
- They ate my corn. - The dogs ate your corn?
No, the rabbits, they ate my beautiful corn.
Glen, I've got some exciting news.
- Oh, Ira, I could cry. - Glen, to hell with the corn.
We could've gone to Europe for it cost us for growing six lousy ears of corn.
- Please, I just want to talk. - I'm sorry.
- Sit down, please. - Excuse me. What is it?
They offered me the attorney general spot.
Stan called and asked me himself.
Oh, Ira, I'm so happy for you.
You deserve it, sweetheart.
You're gonna make the most decent and honorable attorney general they ever had.
I'm going to try, Glen.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise!
- You want another one? - Mmm-hmm.
Your ex-husband robbed a bank in Carmel.
Nick? Robbed a bank?
I don't believe it.
You can believe it.
Our wedding pictures didn't turn out that good.
GLENDA: It's not like him. Nick would never rob a bank.
Huh?
I said Nick would never rob a bank.
He needed money, I guess.
You don't get rich spending two years in a Mexican jail.
That's what I mean.
The man goes to Mexico to write a piece on illegal aliens
and winds up in to jail for smuggling drugs.
That's not like him.
When was the last time you thought anybody was guilty of anything?
(DOGS SNORING)
All right, Glen, Wild Kingdom or me?
They're getting off.
Come on, (WHISTLES) get down.
Get down, Hamlet.
Why am I always the last one from the neighborhood to get into bed with you?
You're not gonna sleep with that picture under your pillow, are you?
He looks so gaunt.
So thin.
Don't worry, they'll feed him great at San Quentin.
- Ira. - What?
If they catch Nick, how will you feel if I defended him?
Like the mess you cleaned up on the stairs tonight.
There's another one under the blanket.
There's another goddamn dog under the covers.
I'll get it.
There's hair all over the place.
The place is just covered with hair.
(GROANING)
I can feel it on my legs.
ATTENDANT: Thanks a lot. Come back again.
- What the hell are you doing? - I didn't get my candy.
Don't shoot. Don't shoot. I'm a family man!
I want my Milk Duds. I didn't get my Milk Duds.
I don't have any cash. We don't keep cash at night, only credit cards.
I don't want your credit cards. I want my Milk Duds.
I haven't eaten in two days, I'm desperate.
Now, move!
Okay, pick them up.
And nothing with peanut butter. I don't like peanut butter.
You like Nestle's Crunch? Nestle's Crunch are good.
I'm not a crook, I just want what I paid for.
We don't have Milk Duds, uh…
You like a Clark bar?
How about a Crispy? A Zagnut?
Zagnut's good. Zagnut.
All right, okay, turn around and count from 5 to 600.
No funny business.
You try anything and I'll be back tomorrow night.
One, two, three, four, five…
Stale! You guys ever change your candy?
Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
So, anyway, this son of a gun lifted every one of my lecture notes in law school
and he makes Attorney General.
You can't fight crime without first experiencing it.
(LAUGHS)
- Chester? - Mmm-hmm.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Oh, yeah. - I've been watching you.
Two hors d'oeuvres for you and one for the guests is not what I had in mind.
Who, me?
You have one in your mouth right now, haven't you?
- No, I don't. - Really?
Would you like me to ask you to whistle?
Look, if gotta work two jobs, I've gotta eat for two jobs.
Well, at least give the guests first choice,
and fill up the tray again.
Okay.
(WOMAN CRYING)
What's the matter? What happened?
She opened the bedroom door and a pack of wild dogs jumped her.
What happened?
She opened the bedroom door and a pack of wild dogs jumped her.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, they're not wild, they're friendly.
They just get carried away.
(BARKING)
All right. Shh. Quiet. All right.
Didn't I tell you to keep the door locked?
Did you see Polonius, the little brown one?
Yeah, he got out.
- What are you doing? - My cousin's fighting.
He's getting the crap kicked out of him.
At least he's working.
Oh!
Now, keep the door… Get over here… Locked.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Has anyone seen Polonius?
He came in this door and went out that one.
Where do you think he went?
I didn't ask and he didn't say.
Glenda, can we please get some clean glasses?
They're starting to drink out of their hands.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I understood that.
I'm gonna look for the dog.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Polonius! (WHISTLES) Here, boy! Come on.
Good evening, Mrs. Parks.
Are we making too much noise?
No, Mr. Parks just wanted us to keep an eye on things.
Oh! Did you happen to see a little brown dog?
I thought I heard something in the garage. We can take a look.
Oh, it's okay, it's probably him.
That's where I keep the dog biscuits.
I'll send you out a couple of sandwiches.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
Polonius. (WHISTLES)
Come on, baby. (WHISTLES)
Where are you?
Are you in here? Come on…
- (SHRIEKS) - Shh.
Don't move, don't say a word, don't scream,
don't breathe, don't bite.
You're biting, I told you not to bite.
- (MUFFLED SCREAMS) - It's me, Nick.
- Huh? - Yes.
Glenda, I'm in big trouble. I need your help.
If you promise to help me, just nod your head twice.
If it's a no, shake your head from side to side.
I'll understand… (GROANS)
I guess it's no.
Are you crazy? I couldn't breathe.
Do you know what it's like to get punched on an empty stomach?
You could've gone right for my back.
Why'd you come here, of all places?
Because I knew you were the one person in the world who could help me.
I can't help you.
Maybe it was somebody else I was thinking of.
What's wrong with your leg?
Was pushed out of a car doing 65,
rolled down a hill doing 85.
If I can just stay in here tonight…
No, you can't stay in here tonight.
Well, you've done everything humanly possible.
I've got 60 guests in the house.
Most of them looking for you.
Can I at least have some food, Glenda?
I've had nothing to eat but old candy bars. I'm beginning to break out.
- Look. - All right, hide in the car.
I'll try and bring some food out to you.
Nothing sweet. I've had enough sweets.
You sure have lousy timing, Nick.
And you sure have a hell of a face, Glen.
It's nice to see you again.
You're in terrible trouble, Nick, try and behave like it.
You know, your eyes lit up the minute you saw me again. I like that.
That battery's been dead for a long time.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's okay.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's okay.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's okay.
Do you speak Spanish?
No, but it's okay.
- Excuse me. Chester. - Mmm.
- Have you seen Mrs. Parks? - Mmm-mmm.
- Is she still in the kitchen? - Mmm-mmm.
- Are you all right? - Mmm-hmm.
(GULPS)
You're not gonna serve that? That's two-day-old chicken?
It's for me. I'm starved.
I was gonna take that home tonight.
I'm gonna eat it outside.
There goes my beer, too.
I need to be alone for five minutes.
Don't tell anybody where I am.
Okay.
Have you seen Mrs. Parks?
She's not outside eating chicken, that's for sure.
Hey! Conchita! Come on, you shouldn't be out here.
Si, senora.
Shouldn't even be in the country.
Oh, Mrs. Parks, thank you.
- Oh! (NERVOUS LAUGHING) - We appreciate it, ma'am.
We can't drink for another hour yet,
but we'll just hold on to these.
- Okay. Enjoy yourselves. - Thanks again.
Bye, boys.
Nick.
Oh, my God! What are you doing back there?
(SIGHS) Nothing yet.
This is not gonna look good on your record.
Come on, let's go.
Hurry up.
Get back to work. I'm not paying you for kissing.
Nick?
(GRUNTS) What kind of parties do you throw around here?
Easy, watch the license plate.
Do you know what your guests were doing in there?
They're not guests, they're my help.
Ah, they're having a better time than your guests.
If you're low on oil, that's because I drank it.
Okay, where's the food, what you got?
I had chicken.
You had chicken? You ate my chicken?
No, the police took it away from me.
They took away your chicken?
You mean, it was illegal chicken?
They're guarding the house.
Nick, there are a lot of important people in there.
You can't stay here.
They're gonna find you for sure. You gotta go.
How far do you think I'm gonna get on Zagnuts and a quart of oil?
Boy! The one person in the world I thought I could count on…
Oh, don't say that.
You know how I pride myself on being dependable.
I'm sorry.
All right, I'll be back later.
When?
I can't keep hopping out of the house with fried chicken every three minutes,
they'll think it's a takeout store.
When they're gone, a couple of hours.
Glen, you know the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you.
If I'm putting you in any jeopardy, I'll leave right now.
I'm okay. Fine.
The poor, soulful look on your face doesn't work anymore, Nick.
Really?
I thought I did it right.
If you're really, really hungry,
there's a box of biscuits in the corner.
What a lovely dress, Roberta.
Thank you, Glenda.
- Having a good time? - Oh, terrific.
I've been looking for… What's that on your face?
What's what on my face?
You have a smudge.
Oh, that? That's barbeque sauce.
Black barbeque sauce?
Yes, it's Mexican.
- Very hot. Don't eat it. - I wasn't going to.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night. Good night.
Don't get a ticket, Judge.
Not your district now.
I'm exhausted.
I'm just gonna lie right down here on the lawn and go to sleep.
Why don't you go to bed. I'll clean up.
You'll clean up?
What have you got all those criminals for?
I sent them home. They really worked hard.
I saw Chester dancing. I did.
I swear to God I saw him dancing.
I'm so tired. Let's just get in to bed.
Tell me in the morning if we made love.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
I think we had a nice party.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll lock the back door. - I locked it.
Where are you going?
Where am I going?
Um… I can't sleep.
I'm just a bundle of nerves. I've got to do something.
I think I'm gonna go work in the garden.
At 2:00 in the morning?
That's when rabbits eat the corn.
This is the best time to catch them.
- (GROANS) - Oh!
My God! Are you crazy, coming in the house?
Those were dog biscuits in the garage, I started drooling.
I thought you couldn't walk.
An army of ants carried me in.
If I hadn't found this, I was gonna eat one of the dogs.
- Look, Hamlet remembers you. - Yeah, sure.
Asked him to drop me a postcard but he's too busy.
Out of the way, boy, coming through, I've got to sit.
We've got to get you to a doctor.
Let me get Ira.
We'll talk it over, and we'll figure out what to do together.
That's a great idea.
DA can be a big help going through a roadblock.
This turns you off, don't watch.
I've got to tell Ira, Nick.
I haven't lied to him since we've been married,
I'm not gonna start now.
Stop me if I start eating my fingers.
- Did you rob that bank? - Sort of.
What do you mean, sort of?
I did, but I didn't enjoy it.
Look, I haven't got time for explanations.
I need your help.
I need a place to stay.
I need some money, need a new suit of clothes.
Something in a beige would be very nice.
Listen to me.
You're going to call the police and give yourself up.
I promise that Ira and I will do everything we can to help you.
- Mmm-hmm. - I'm gonna get him down here.
Glen! You try it, and I'll use this on both of you.
Are you that desperate, Nick, you'd kill me?
Well, I'd have to get some bullets first,
but then I can't promise anything.
- I'm getting Ira. - Glenda, I'm innocent.
- Like you were in Mexico? - Yes, exactly.
I know it's coincidental,
but I never smuggled drugs in from Mexico.
I was down there doing a story on illegal aliens.
Met a couple of guys in a bar, slipped them $100
and they told me that they would show me how the network was run.
How was I supposed to know I was sitting on a bump that was five pounds of heroin.
You could've looked.
I'm not going back to prison, Glen.
I spent two years in a cell with two cockroaches who committed suicide.
Will you please help me?
Not by breaking the law.
(SCOFFS)
You never should have married a DA, Glen,
took a lot of pizzazz out of you.
Now if you just make me a money doggy bag, I'll be crawling along.
I'm sorry, Nick, I'm not gonna help you.
I see.
Well, don't count on my support for Ira's campaign.
Look how upset the dogs are.
What am I gonna do?
(DOG WHINING)
Oh, come on, don't cry.
Don't cry. Don't do this to me.
All right, I'll get him.
Oh, God! How'd you…
I didn't quite make it to the driveway, did I?
What are you doing?
Well, most people put their hoses in the garage.
Shh. You'll wake up Ira.
Shh. you'll wake up Ira. Get the food. Ow!
There's an empty room over the garage.
You can stay there tonight, but you've gotta leave in the morning.
Something I said?
Because of you Ira's gonna lose the election and I'm gonna get divorced.
Well, what are friends for?
You obviously don't have any.
Isn't there some other girl that you could have gone to?
Nah, they're not dependable, all they want is sex.
Oh, God, I hate to complain,
but you are choking me to death.
You put on weight, or my fingers got skinny?
Listen, you can touch me for help, not enjoyment.
(GROANING)
It's times like this, I wonder why we ever got divorced.
Because… Because of times like this.
- Ow! - Can you make it up these steps?
Any chance of sending them down?
Oh, come on.
Oh, shit.
What happened? I was getting worried.
It was the rabbits all right,
I chased them for three blocks.
You must be exhausted.
I am.
Mmm. I just want to sleep.
Think you'd be too tired to help me in the morning?
To do what?
I wanna set up a campaign office,
clean out the room over the garage.
I'll get it. I'll do it.
I'll do it, honey.
Uh, you have enough to worry about. I'll do it.
Count on me, Ira. I'll do it.
(HONKING)
Oh, who's that?
Have them shot, Ira, please?
(HONKING CONTINUES)
Oh, my God!
What time is it?
Ira?
Oh, God!
Ira!
- Where's Mr. Parks? - He took my broom, and went out the back door.
He didn't say what he was gonna clean up.
- Oh, shit! - Well, maybe it was.
- Ira! - What?
Uh, uh…
- What's wrong? - Uh, telephone!
Take a message, I'm just gonna take a look in here.
(BELL RINGING)
- Let me explain. - Explain what?
How, um…
How we could make this a terrific office.
Who was it?
- Who was what? - On the telephone.
Oh, it was for me.
Then why did you yell "Ira"?
In case it was for you.
(CHUCKLES) You haven't had your coffee yet. I can tell.
We have to get a few more phones in here.
What are you doing down there?
Looking for outlets for phones.
They're over here, where the phone is.
Well! Oh, well, that's the best place for it.
- (SNEEZES) - Oh, God bless you.
- What? - Nothing, I sneezed.
- Oh, gesundheit. - Thank you.
Ira…
- Could we go someplace and talk? - What's the matter with here?
Well, I need to talk to you in private.
I mean, it's a private conversation that needs privacy of intimacy.
- This isn't intimate? - No. It's a guest room.
Uh-huh, Glenda, come over here and sit down.
(SIGHS) Glenda, what's wrong with you?
- It… - (BELL RINGING)
Is it Nick? I mean, it's Nick, isn't it?
- If it's Nick, I don't want to hear about it. - It's Nick.
- I knew it was Nick. - (BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
Look, you don't even have him in custody yet and he's as good as convicted.
Nobody's convicted him! He'll have plenty of time
to explain that eight by ten gloss that he took in Carmel.
I can explain what happened in Carmel.
Really? Where did you get your information from?
From Nick. I spoke to him last night.
He was the rabbit I was chasing.
He was the rabbit? How could you do this? What did he say?
That's confidential information between me and my client.
Your client? Your client? Sit down. Are you crazy?
Are you crazy, withholding information from me, the District Attorney?
Not even to mention Ira, your husband.
I can't believe this.
I'll confide in you if you're Ira, but not if you're the District Attorney.
All right, I'm Ira! I'm not the District Attorney. What did he say?
No, you're the District Attorney.
I can tell by the way you're asking the questions.
Glenda, Glenda…
With a little bit of luck, I may still have a shot
at security guard at the county museum.
Where is he?
I'll tell you what happened in Carmel, if you agree to try to have Nick
put in our custody until the trial date is set?
In our custody? You want me to adopt him?
We'll make the cover of The National Enquirer.
Then we have nothing further to discuss.
All right, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What happened in Carmel?
He was in a friend's cabin in Big Sur, working on a book.
He, uh… Two men walked in, kidnapped him and stole his car.
They forced him at gunpoint, to drive to a bank in Carmel,
hand the teller a hold up note.
Uh, then they escaped up the mountain,
took the money, kicked him onto to a sand dune, leaving him for dead.
That's his whole story and I believe every word of it.
You believe that story?
Yes, I do.
Now, wait a minute. Let me… Let me get this straight.
What you're saying is that two men walked into his cabin…
GLENDA: Right, right.
IRA: They… They kidnapped him, stole his car.
GLENDA: Right, that's it. That's it. That's good.
IRA: Forced him to give a bank teller a hold up note.
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Right. - Kicked him down a sand dune.
- Yeah, you got it, you got it. - IRA: They left him for…
- Uh… What are you saying? That they left him for, uh… - You got it.
For dead.
GLENDA: That's it. I saw him limping.
- I saw him myself. - Oh, he was limping!
I didn't know that. Well, then of course he's innocent.
Limpers never lie.
Limpers are famous for telling the truth.
The man is a convicted drug smuggler!
How can you believe such crap?
All right, Glenda. Glenda, I'm gonna give you five seconds
to tell me where he is.
I'm counting now.
One, two…
No, you don't get five seconds. That's it!
Not only am I worried about the future of our relationship,
I also won't be home for dinner tonight.
(SIGHS) You forgot to ask him for the beige suit.
- Oh, shut up! - Ow.
Easy, easy. The leg… Don't leave the leg behind.
Oh, thank you.
Hope you won't be sore with me, but I was listening. Thought your speech was aces.
I didn't quite buy that bank robbery story, but otherwise, it was first-rate.
I don't think I've ever heard him like that.
Did you see that awful look he had in his eyes?
No, but his shoes looked in pretty bad shape.
Oh, why am I doing all this? Why do I believe you?
You haven't taken any of this seriously for a second.
You've been having the best time, haven't you?
Look at you! With that silly smirk on your face.
I tried a serious smirk, but it didn't feel right.
It's all just a game to you, isn't it?
I bet you banged up your leg on purpose, just to make it more interesting.
You know, Glenda, there was a time,
when you had a pretty good sense of humor.
I remember. It's the day I married you.
Uh-oh.
You haven't changed in all these years, Nick.
Nothing ever fazes you. You're still a boy. When will you ever grow up?
I am trying, Glenda. I grew a mustache, but it fell off.
Ah. Why don't we just forget about it.
Just lend me a cup and some pencils and I'll make it on my own.
Watch out. They'll see you.
- Old instinct never dies. Does it? - What instinct?
- Protect your loved ones. - Right. Only Ira's the loved one.
And there must be a way to deal with this without hurting him anymore than I have?
Oh, he'll be all right.
Listen, we used to go at it pretty good ourselves.
Aside from a divorce, didn't harm us much.
AURORA: Mrs. Parks!
- What? - Don't snap at me.
I'm sorry. I have a headache through my entire body.
What is it?
Okay. Your office called.
Conchita and Rosita have been pushed back in the court to 10:30 a.m.
because, at 9:30 you got to be with the boys, who took a swing at the policeman.
- What boys? - The ones who busted up the welfare office.
Robert and Thomas? When did they take a swing at a policeman?
Last night, when they caught them in the stolen car.
What stolen car?
- Mr. Parks' stolen car. - They stole Mr. Parks' car?
Yeah. He's inside now, calling for the taxi.
I never heard language like that from a police officer.
Oh, why did I wake up today?
Oh, all right. Just tell them that… Tell them I'll be right there.
Did you want me to make you breakfast?
Who cares about breakfast at a time like this?
- Eggs. - Eggs.
- NICK: Bacon, waffles, toast. - Bacon, waffles, toast.
Coffee.
- Coffee. More eggs. - More eggs.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Now, you see what you've done?
Who, me?
If I wasn't wasting my time on you last night,
I could have kept my eyes on those boys.
They're not criminals. They would have brought the car back.
I'm sure they just went to pick up their cousin at the hospital.
Well, I'm gonna be running along.
I can see you have your hands full with the rest of the underworld.
Nick…
Nick, please give yourself up.
For your sake, for Ira's sake and for mine, please.
You know, your picture's painted on the wall of a Mexican prison.
I described your face to an artist who was in my cell.
A lot of those guys wanted to rent it out for the weekend, but I wouldn't let them.
AURORA: Mrs. Parks!
This couldn't possibly be good. Stay there.
- What now? - The doggies ran away again.
Naturally.
- What should I do? - Nothing, I'll get six new ones, tonight.
Oh, no.
- What are you doing? - I'm getting out.
Now? In broad daylight?
Ah. Who's gonna notice a limping bank robber
with his picture in the newspapers?
You can forget the breakfast.
Where are you gonna go? No, don't tell me.
My only chance is to find those two guys in Big Sur and bring them in.
I just want to say that…
Um, last night seemed like old times.
You know what I mean?
Bye.
Where's my horse? I'm supposed to jump on a horse.
All right. Wait here. I'll get you some money and the food.
And that's positively the last thing I'm gonna do for you.
You understand?
Do you ever call my name out when you're making love?
Bet Ira grinds his teeth when you do.
(THUDDING)
Aurora, I need the house money.
Uh, I used it to pay the foot doctor.
The house money?
I can't get to the house with bad feet.
The breakfast is ready.
Wrap it up. I'll take it with me.
Ira…
- Do you want to hear my side? - Not with the meter ticking.
Look, I'm sorry about your car. Why don't you take mine.
Maybe we should get a third one. Yours, mine and theirs.
(DOGS BARKING)
Get out of there!
Glenda! Will you get the dogs?
Dogs… Come on, please, get out! Come on! Now!
Get out! Please! Get out of here! Get out now! Come on!
Please, please! Come on! Get out! That's it…
Okay. (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, let's go.
Just keep saying to yourself, Aurora, 12 more years to retirement.
Oh, who's this? I don't like the looks of that man.
Hey, what are you doing there, man?
(THUDDING)
Ay, dios mio.
Mrs. Parks! Mrs. Parks! I got a burglar!
Mrs. Parks!
I got him, clean as a whistle. That man is dead for sure.
- What are you talking about? - The burglar over the garage.
- Oh, my God. - I gave one yell and he went down those stairs
like a sack of beans.
I knew I'd catch a crook one day, hanging around this family.
Where is he? Where'd he go?
He was laying right there, dead as yesterday
I'll take care of this.
Nick? Nick, are you in here?
"There are some things a man just has to do by himself.
"This is not one of them, so I'm going for help."
Oh, Nick. You crazy idiot.
Oh, God, I gotta rest. I can't keep this up.
Mrs. Parks!
- What is it? - We gotta go, else we're gonna be late for court.
No, we won't. Did you get gas for the car?
You didn't say to get gas for the car.
Well, we're gonna have to stop for gas.
- Now we're gonna be late for court. - That's what I said.
Mrs. Parks, should I call the police?
I don't want no dead burglars hanging around my house.
No, it wasn't a burglar. It was the decorator
that I hired to redo the spare room. And…
Don't tell Mr. Parks. It's a surprise.
He didn't look like no decorator I ever seen.
(ENGINE STARTING)
GLENDA: My briefcase! Stop! Go back.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
CHESTER: Yes, ma'am.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
When my brain's unscrambled, I'm firing you.
Would you please go get my case? It's upstairs on my bed.
Flash Gordon will return.
Oh, God, what next?
NICK: Don't ask me.
I believe, this is your day for the carpool.
Don't do this to me, Nick. You promised me you were leaving.
That was before I dislocated my shoulder.
I had to open the car door with my teeth.
Well, I'm going to the courthouse.
I don't know where you're planning on going.
I told you, Big Sur.
And I just give you my car to escape with?
No, I steal it. Park it outside the courthouse and leave the keys.
We've already had a car stolen today. We're over our quota.
- Oh, what am I gonna tell Chester? - He'll never know I'm here.
- You forgot your breakfast but Chester's on the job. - I'm not hungry anymore.
(COUGHING)
Oh, thank you.
(CAR STARTING)
(CAR THUDDING)
GLENDA: Watch the bumps. CHESTER: Oh. We not even gonna touch asphalt.
If I wanted an airplane, I'd buy one. Slow down.
Yes, ma'am. Are you gonna eat your breakfast?
- No. - Thank you, ma'am.
Oh! Keep your eyes on the road. I'll get it.
Here.
Oh, I guess Aurora forgot to put it in.
But I saw her put it in. Maybe, it dropped out on the floor.
Uh, keep your eyes on the road!
Chester, you just went through a stop sign.
That's what I get for keeping my eyes on the road.
(SIREN WAILING)
Oh, God! The police!
- Uh-oh! - Oh…
Oh, God, I knew this was gonna happen. I knew it. Stay down.
- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. - Not you.
(SIREN STOPS)
(RADIO CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)
Do you know you went through a stop sign back there?
Uh, no, Officer, I was just about to back up and stop at it.
Can I see your license?
Officer, uh, I'm afraid this is my fault.
We were rushing to get to court.
I'm Mrs. Ira Parks, the District Attorney's wife.
Oh, yes. Mrs. Parks.
- Nice to see you again. - Again?
You brought chicken and beer out to me and Charlie last night.
We're much obliged.
Oh, the chicken and the beer. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Awfully nice of you. Okay, just watch that sign next time.
- You bet I will. - Just one other thing, ma'am.
- Yes? - Why is that man lying on the floor?
- What man? - What man?
That man.
- Oh, that man! - Yes, ma'am.
- Why is that man lying on the floor? - Yes, ma'am. Is he all right?
- Yes, he's fine. - Oh, where am I? What happened?
- He was, um… - Hit.
- He was hit! - They ran.
- And then he ran. - They ran.
They ran. Uh, they hit him and ran.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yeah, the car came and hit him and ran.
- Did you see the accident? - No, I came late.
Uh, no, he went in to get my breakfast
and I pulled him in myself.
I, of course, will represent him as his attorney.
Can I have your name, please?
Friedlander. Harris J. Friedlander,
from Oxnard.
- Business? - Designer.
We carve the heads of presidents out of driftwood.
We employ mostly veterans and the handicapped.
OFFICER: Do you have any identification?
- No, they… They mugged me. - They mugged you.
- After they hit me. - Did you get the make of the car or the license number?
(SCOFFS) I didn't have a chance. I was up and down so quickly.
I really think we should get him to the hospital.
Didn't you say you were rushing to get to court?
After. After the hospital.
You better follow us. We'll make better time.
- Stick to my tail. - Right. Over and out.
- Don't ask me any questions. You'll be better off. - Yes, ma'am.
(CAR STARTING AND SIREN WAILING)
Hot damn, I finally get a chance to chase the police!
(SIREN CONTINUES)
(BELCHING)
That bacon was a little well done.
Is that all that's worrying you? Bacon?
I must be crazy.
Disbarment. Disbarment and disgrace are all that lies ahead.
That, and a big truck.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
- Are we alive? - I don't think we'll know for a few minutes yet.
- Can we do that again? - Chester!
Okay. You want to hear my plan?
No. I want you out of my life.
That's part of the plan. I kidnap you, we lose the cops at the next corner.
I dump the both of you off, I steal the car and you're in the clear.
How you gonna kidnap us, if I'm the one driving the car.
- 'Cause I'm holding the gun. - I buy that.
Turn left at the next corner, Chet.
Don't listen to him, Chester.
Nick, Nick, please give yourself up.
If you're innocent, they'll never send you to jail.
- Is that how it works, Chester. - Not in my neighborhood.
- Then turn here. - If you turn, Chester, you're fired.
(COCKING GUN) If you don't turn, I fire.
There's no bullets in it, Chester. Trust me.
You're gonna trust a woman who just lied to the police, Chester?
I want a raise. I definitely want a raise.
(SIREN CONTINUES)
Giving escort to a Mrs. Ira Parks, license number…
Where in the hell did they go?
- NICK: Stop right here. - (TIRES SCREECHING)
I think I'm two inches shorter.
(GROANS) Okay. Get out of the car. Come on, kids. Move.
Planning on coming along?
We never really did finish that honeymoon, you know.
Nick, why are you doing this? Why do you behave this way?
Oh, I don't know. Ever since I was a kid,
I've had this wild and crazy desire never to go to jail.
Bye, Glen. One more little one?
(CAR STARTING)
Are you sure you'll be able to drive with that shoulder?
Are you kidding? A vehicle wasn't built that I can't handle.
(CAR HONKING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Where were you? I've been trying to get you on your car radio for 20 minutes.
You should've tried smoke signals. The Indians stole my car.
- What? Indians? - My wife's Indians.
- Her car was just stolen, too. - Her car was stolen? Who did it?
- Her ex-husband. - He stole her car? She reported it?
- No, she was in it. - She was in it? With him?
He was lying on the floor in the back. She was kidnapped at gunpoint
and later let go.
- The chauffeur verified it. - The chauffeur verified it?
A convicted felon who stole the hubcaps off six limousines
during a funeral service.
He verified it?
You know what the Governor's doing right now, at this very moment?
He's telling his secretary not to accept my calls.
Wrong. He's been trying to get you on the phone for 20 minutes.
Don't accept his calls.
And you expect me to believe they just borrowed this car?
Yes, your honor. I had no objection.
And have these two young men found gainful employment?
Yes, they're currently doing odd jobs for me at home.
"Odd" seems to be the appropriate word.
The next time they borrow your husband's car, please tell your husband about it.
- I don't want to see these two young men in here again. - Yes, Your Honor.
Case dismissed.
- Thanks, Mrs. Parks. - Keep out of trouble.
Next case.
Rosita Sanchez and Conchita Velasquez.
- I represent these women, your honor. - Naturally.
- I'm also their employer. - Of course.
Mrs. Parks, I have a son who's looking for a job this summer.
Maybe you have something for him.
Well, if he gets into trouble, have him call me.
Want us to pick you up in the morning, Mr. Parks?
(GROANS) No, I see my car is back in the garage.
But I'll check with you just in case.
- Good night. - All right, thank you.
(DOGS BARKING)
Stop it! Stop it! It's me, for Christ sake!
Why didn't you bark when they took my car?
Hi. Wanna talk about it?
Why don't you have a glass of wine, relax,
get into bed, and I'll tell you the whole story.
He was here last night. Wasn't he, Glenda? Where? In the garage?
- Over the garage. In the spare room. - The spare room. Of course.
Why didn't you invite him up here?
We only had six dogs on the bed. We could have squeezed him in.
He was injured. He could hardly walk.
He was cold, he was starved and he was innocent.
And he needed some help and I was the only person he could turn to.
You're the only person anyone can turn to. Except me.
Ira… Ira, that's not true. I'm always here for you.
You come first with me, Ira. You know that.
- I'm here for you now. - Now? Now, where is he, under the bed?
- Should I take a look? - I don't know where he is.
- You swear? - I swear.
- Are you telling me the truth? - I'm telling you the truth.
- Really? - Really.
- Maybe sometimes I get a little crazy. - I know.
- Overreact a little. You know, something like this… - I know.
Where was he… Where was he this morning when we were up in the spare room?
He was under the bed.
No wonder you want me to have a glass of wine.
This might be a good time for me to get into heavy drugs.
Where are you going?
It's my turn to sleep in the spare room.
- (DOG BARKING) - Let go of me, damn it! It's me!
Get out of the way!
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello. - I can't sleep. How about you?
- Not a wink. - Why don't you bring the wine over?
- You mean it? - We don't have time to go on vacation.
Why don't we take one up here?
Isn't the bed kind of small?
(CHUCKLES) Not for me.
I'll be right over.
Peace?
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Don't be silly. I guess I just wanted a little attention.
- Well, you got it. - (LAUGHS)
Glad I never faced you in court, especially in that black nightgown.
- Don't you want some wine? It's nice and cold. - I'm just the opposite.
Whoo! There's not much room here, sir.
You can trust me. I grew up in a Volkswagen.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, shit!
- Are you all right? I'm sorry. - I'm fine. I'm fine.
Come on. I'll move over.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me think a minute.
- Think about what? - About what to do.
What to do? There's nothing to do. I'll do it all.
- No, No! Ira, not here! No. - Not here? What's wrong with here?
- Let's go. - Go where?
Uh, I don't know. I can't… I can't relax.
I can't catch my breath, Ira. We need to talk.
If it's about Nick, I don't wanna discuss it.
I don't want to hear his name. Not tonight, Glenda.
I want one night alone. Just us.
No dogs, no cats, no ex-husbands.
Just us, the way we were.
- All right? All right. Great. Great. - All right.
Remember that night up in Lake George
when you came into the cabin after that moonlight swim…
- I don't talk wanna about it. - Why not?
I don't know. I just don't want to talk about it.
It was a wonderful night. You were standing there all naked.
No, I don't wanna talk about it! I wasn't!
All right, we don't have to talk about it. We don't have to say anything.
(BAWLING)
Wha… What is it? Is it me? Is it something I've done?
Is it Nick? Is that all you're worried about?
All right, all right! That's it!
(CONTINUES CRYING)
It's clear to me that you and I are never going to have a moment's peace
until that man is out of our lives.
If you can't learn to give up the past,
then you're gonna have to learn to give up the present.
You can't rehabilitate an entire world, Glenda.
Why the hell did you ever say "I do" to me,
when you're still saying "I did" to him.
You know something?
I'm better off sleeping with the goddamn dogs.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Do you see that telephone?
You have exactly 10 seconds of freedom left
before the entire Los Angeles police department surrounds this area.
Next time, I'm gonna hide in your bedroom. You two are never in there.
I am crossing.
Couldn't we work something out?
I think, the three of us make a wonderful pair.
I'm dialing.
Every woman's fantasy. Alternating husbands.
I'm talking. Hello? This is Mrs. Ira Parks.
The fugitive you're looking for, Nicholas Gardenia,
has just broken into our house.
(SIGHS)
I'll miss my old room.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep on top of a bed again.
I'm… I'm sorry, Aurora. I woke you up.
I'll explain everything in the morning.
Buenas noches.
Captain Anderson, please. Ira Parks.
Ira… I've got to tell you something.
No, don't tell me. I have a hunch. I know.
- Sam? Ira. My car was stolen again. - Oh, God.
No, I can see it driving away. It's being stolen now.
My bet is it's Nicholas Gardenia. I win my bet, Sam.
No, you don't have to come out here.
But if he scratches a fender, you have my permission to use police brutality.
He was under the bed again. Wasn't he?
I tried to tell you but you didn't wanna talk about him.
Telling me a man is under the bed, while we're making love
is not exactly talking about him.
Instead of wasting all that time crying,
why didn't you at least just point down?
I would have been mildly curious.
Well, I didn't let him in! He probably got there before you.
He always gets there before me!
Okay. You win. You're too smart for us, Ira.
Nick and I purposely got a divorce, so I could marry you,
knowing that you would buy a house with a room over the garage.
So that, when he was kidnapped,
after he spent two years in a Mexican jail, robbed a bank in Carmel,
and the police were after him…
He could then hide out in our spare room
so while you and I were throwing parties
to celebrate your running for Attorney General,
I would be able to run up there, sneak away,
and be able to spend 35 seconds alone with Nick!
I've been found out. I confess. I confess!
- You're having a breakdown. Aren't you? - A big one!
It's been coming a long time, and this is it!
(WHEEZING)
What are you doing? What's wrong?
I'm hyperventilating. I can't breathe.
What do you mean you can't breathe?
That's all you're doing is breathing.
It's too much breathing. I'm losing all my carbon dioxide.
All right… Just calm down. You want a glass of water?
How can I drink water when I'm breathing all the time?
I breathe all the time. I drink plenty of water.
That's because you're not hysterical.
All right. Lie down. You wanna lie down?
No, no. Just leave me alone. I wanna lie down.
That's what I just said to lie down.
Why is it when I bring something up, you don't want to do it?
Because when you bring it up, I don't want to bring it up.
- You just brought it up. - Ira, please…
- Just let me lie down. - You are lying down.
- Ira! - Okay, I'll go to the window.
No! Don't go to the window. He'll only come through it again.
(PANTING)
Oh, calm. Calm. I have to get calm.
Mmm…
- Uh, don't excite me. - No.
- Don't mention Nick. Nick excites me. - Oh.
I don't mean the way you mean. He excites me the other way. The bad way.
Oh. I know what you mean, honey.
Don't worry about anything. Everything is all right.
He'll never bother us again.
We'll kill him. The man is dead. I promise you.
- Don't go away! - No, I'm gonna stay here.
- Lock the door. - Okay, I'll just…
- Don't leave me! - I'll stay right here…
- Look under the bed. - Look under… But, he's not under the bed.
- He's in my car. I saw him drive away in my car… - Look anyway, honey.
He's like a termite. He gets into the cracks in the wood. Is he there?
- No, he's not there. - Look again.
- Would you… - I'll take another look.
- He's not there. I swear. - Okay.
We have the room all to ourselves. Okay.
Ira, we've got to keep him out. It's our only chance.
Okay, hmm…
Put some garlic around the window.
(SIGHS) Maybe a big cross over the bed.
- We've got to protect ourselves. - Yeah.
(HONKING)
Morning, Mr. Parks. Did they catch the first Mr. Parks?
I'm the first Mr. Parks.
Oh, yeah.
And don't blow the horn. Mrs. Parks isn't feeling well.
Does that mean I get the day off?
No, that means you get to wash the windows in the house.
The Governor's coming for dinner tonight.
He ain't gonna be looking out no windows if he's eating dinner.
(HONKING)
- Good morning. - Maybe for you. Not for me.
- What's wrong? - I'm putting it all here in the letter.
Can't you just tell me instead of writing it down?
I can't stop something once I've started.
All right. There will be six for dinner tonight,
including the Governor and his wife.
We'd like you to serve at 8:00.
Well, they're gonna be serving me dinner at 8.00.
- I'm going to the hospital. - What are you talking about?
That's why I put in the letter so I don't have to explain.
- Do you want me to explain? - Please explain.
The letter says, "The doctor says, I gotta have my feet scraped today.
"The doctor says, 'Aurora, you gotta be off your feet for two days, because…'"
Do you want me to read you the whole letter? I gotta go now.
Now? You're leaving now? With the Governor coming? What about dinner?
He can have mine. I hate that hospital food.
Tell Mrs. Parks, I called my sisters, but they're all busy.
I'm very sorry.
Aurora, you can't just leave. What will I do?
Well, if I were you, I'd put my chicken up pretty soon.
- (DOGS BARKING) - Don't step on my feet!
Morning.
Coffee.
I've never felt this bad in my whole life.
Wait. It's early yet.
- What's this? - It's a letter from Aurora.
I can't get my eyes open. Can't you read it to me?
Frankly, I haven't got the heart.
- I can't make this out. Who's going to the hospital? - Aurora.
- Then how's she gonna be able to make dinner? - She's not.
- She's not gonna be able to make dinner? - Nope.
- With the Governor coming? - That's how it lays out.
- I don't believe it. - It's true.
- Swear? - I swear.
She's not gonna make chicken pepperoni?
Nope. She's gonna have her feet scraped.
How long does it take to scrape feet.
Longer than it takes to make chicken pepperoni.
- Do you know how to make it? - No.
Then we're in very big trouble.
- I can make something else. - He doesn't want something else.
He wants chicken pepperoni.
Then cancel the dinner.
No, he's making a special trip from Sacramento.
- Just for chicken pepperoni? - No, to make me Attorney General.
But he loves chicken pepperoni.
You mean, you may not become Attorney General if I make veal parmesan?
No, I didn't say that.
But, with your ex-husband on the loose, we're a lot safer with chicken pepperoni.
- Don't yell at me. - I'm not yelling at you. I'm screaming at you.
We need chicken pepperoni and we need it fast!
I'll make it! I'll make it!
Only don't make me crazy. I can't cook when I'm crazy.
- I'm not making you crazy. - Yes, you are!
You're making me crazy.
Anybody who forces me to make chicken pepperoni,
is making me crazy.
And you are making me crazy.
I'm not making her crazy.
Yeah.
Hold on a second, Joe. Let me get my secretary another phone.
Jackie, take all this down.
I think we got something, Ira.
So have I. Hang, hang on a second.
Go ahead, Joe.
Got it.
Two cans tomato paste. Sliced green peppers.
Pimento. Sausage.
What do you mean veal? There's no veal in chicken pepperoni.
What do you mean, what's the difference?
There's lots of difference between veal and chicken.
Call somebody.
Could you call somebody in Sicily?
Try, Joe. Please try.
Can you believe what I'm doing?
A grown district attorney. What have you got?
FRED: What do you see? IRA: Hitler!
Adolf Hitler on Candid Camera.
FRED: I want you to look at the other photo that was taken at the Carmel bank.
- Look at the two figures in the background. - IRA: Yeah.
FRED: Now. Look at the enlargement.
We just identified them as Bee Gee Ramone and Warren Dexter,
twice-convicted for armed robbers.
In each case, they abducted some innocent bystander,
and forced them to hand a stickup note to the teller.
They're very shy when it comes to pictures.
What're you telling me?
That it's possible your wife's story is true.
Gardenia may be innocent.
Are you sure?
- I had my heart set on sending him to jail. - (INTERCOM BUZZING)
JACKIE: The Governor's on two.
Stanley, Freddie in my office has just come up with some new information
that may clear up everything for us.
Okay, I'll tell you later.
Oh, yeah, we're still on, 8:00.
Aurora's chicken pepperoni.
I know how you love it.
Okay. See you then.
Love that chicken pepperoni.
Don't start with me, Fred.
Oh, here it is.
- IRA: Glenda. - Oh, God!
Jesus, it looks like an Italian movie.
Knock it off, Ira. I've had a rough day today.
This is my third batch of pepperoni sauce.
The dogs are half-dead from tasting it.
Don't you have any help? Where are the Mexican girls and the Indian boys?
They got jobs today. Good steady jobs that I got them just when I need them.
- Whose recipe is this? (CHOMPING) - I found Aurora's.
It's great! It's great!
Except it's in Spanish.
- Who's gonna serve? - Chester.
Chester? There's not going to be anything left for us.
You think I'm going to eat this stuff?
Where is he? I better talk to him.
He's in the dining room. Setting the table.
Come on, guys. Come on.
Who's game for one more taste?
Huh? (LAUGHING)
- (DOGS SNORTING) - GLENDA: Come on.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
- Is that our good waterproof crystal? - Yes, it was.
Try to be more careful.
Have you ever served before?
Yes, sir. I worked at McDonald's for two weeks.
Uh-huh. Wha…
No paper napkins. Get linen ones.
The Governor's coming for dinner. The governor, you know?
- I know. - You look very good. That tuxedo looks very nice.
Oh, thank you. It's yours. Mrs. Parks gave it to me.
This glass looks dirty.
That's what I thought.
Chester, clean the glass.
Yes, sir. Anything you say.
Man says clean it, then I clean it.
Mmm…
(CLINKING)
Do I look all right?
I told you six times, in the car you look fine, sweetie.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Glen, they're here.
Chester?
- (TV PLAYING) - Ah…
IRA: Chester?
- Didn't you hear the door? - No, I heard the bell.
- The bell's on the door. - I know.
- Why didn't you answer it? - Because Mrs. Parks said
for me to keep an eye on the sauce.
- Then why are you watching TV? - I watch the sauce during commercials.
- Chester, will you answer the door? - Will you watch the sauce?
- Answer the door! - (SWITCHES TV OFF)
- Hello. - Nice to see you, ma'am.
What's happening, brother?
- Good evening. - Glad you could make it.
Thank you.
- Are the first ones? - You sure are.
- IRA: Anne. - Hi, Ira.
How are you?
Freddie. Any word on Gardenia or my car?
Your car is still missing but we did get the stereo system and the telephone.
- Where did you get that? - He sold it.
Big-time limousine coming.
- Close the door. - (CAR APPROACHING)
Why don't you go in the other room, make yourselves a drink?
I'll get Glenda.
When the bell on the door rings, open the door!
(SCOFFS) Don't I always?
(SOFTLY) Oh, God.
Glenda. Glenda. Wake up, honey.
Honey, the Governor's here.
Glenda… Glen…
- (MOANING) - Honey, come on, honey. Wake up. That's it.
Atta girl. The Governor's here, honey.
I can't make it. Go on without me, Ira.
- Save yourself. - Come on. (STUTTERING)
Honey, which, which dress do you want?
I don't care. You pick it out. I can't make any more decisions.
IRA: How about the white one with the little pink flowers?
- Fine. - Here…
Come on, honey. Come on, babe.
- Come on. (GRUNTING) Here we go. - (CAT MEOWING)
Here we are. Here.
- Just get your arm in there. - (CAT MEOWING)
No, wait a second. Wait a second. Take this…
- Take this off here. - All right.
Take this… No! No…
- Wait, honey. - Honey, don't!
- No. All right, okay, okay. - (DOG WHINING)
Just… No, no. No, wait a second.
- This is turning out to be a fine wine party. -(SLOSHING)
I'm afraid I'd like to see an entire restructuring
- of the control of hand-guns in our state. - Mmm-hmm.
We need better and stronger legislation,
and we need people like Ira to enforce that legislation.
Stanley, sorry I'm late. Glenda's got button trouble.
- Hello, Ira. You remember Deidre? - Hi.
Deidre, of course. Hello, how are you?
- It's nice to see you. - Thank you.
Dinner is served.
No, it isn't.
It isn't?
It isn't. Mrs. Parks is still upstairs.
I thought 8:00 meant 8:00.
No, 8:00 means 8:30, 8:45…
Oh…
He's new.
(CHESTER SNAPPING FINGERS)
- Oh, hello, everybody. - ALL: Hi, Glenda.
- FRED: You're looking good. - Oh, don't mind the way I look.
Ira dressed me in a hurry.
- (CHUCKLES) - Really?
Well, if that's the way you look, he can dress me anytime.
(LAUGHS) You heard what Stan said?
(SLURPING)
- (SWITCHING RADIO ON) - (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(NICK GRUNTING)
(RUNNING)
- (DOGS BARKING) - It's me, the first husband!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, oh!
Oh… (THUDDING)
- Oh… - (DOGS CONTINUE BARKING)
Glen, honey, is there something we can do about that?
Oh, that's just the dogs barking.
Uh, Chester, would you go up and quiet them?
Oh, sure thing.
Chester, the Governor didn't get his drink.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - (CHUCKLES)
I'll take this, Stanley.
You must all be starving. Why don't we go in and have dinner?
- Come on. - (ALL TALKING DISTINCTLY)
Stan. Fred…
Hey, quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
Hey!
(BARKING CONTINUES)
Those are our dogs.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, I assumed.
- (ANOTHER DOG BARKING) - (DOG BELL RINGING)
- Are there any more? - No, that's it.
Good.
The house looks lovely. What have you done to it?
We had it reshingled.
Now, uh, Anne, you sit next to Stanley.
Fred, to my left. Deidre.
Then we, uh, have boy, girl,
boy, girl, governor, girl.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Thank you, Fred. - Oh, everything looks lovely.
- Oh, I love it. - Thank you.
- (DOGS BARKING) - Shut up! You hear me?
You don't be quiet, I'm gonna tie your tails together! Now be quiet!
Come on! Come on, out of here.
Come on, come on.
Hey, Chet. What do you say? Mrs. Parks in?
Yes, she's in. In with the Governor of the city of California.
Oh, the gov's here? Good. Tell Mrs. P I'm here, will you?
- Yeah, I will. - Mmm-hmm.
Ira tells me you placed four more of those probationers with jobs today.
Glenda, you realize what you're doing?
By personally ending unemployment and cutting the crime rate
you're doing away with the need for a governor and an attorney general.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, then you can all come work for me.
- All right. - That's a deal.
(WHISPERING) I got good news and I got bad news.
You're drunk, aren't you, Chester?
That's the good news.
What's the bad news?
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
(GASPING)
- What's wrong, Glenda? - Oh.
It's all right. It's nothing. (HYPERVENTILATING)
She had it last night. She's hyperventilating.
- I just need some fresh air. - I'll go with you.
No! Please I need my own fresh air.
Stay! (PANTING))
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
She hasn't been sleeping well.
- Oh. - Oh, of course.
I hope they shoot you. I hope they shoot you in my kitchen.
And when they drag your dead body out,
I hope they shoot you again.
Is that anyway to talk to a man
- who's decided to give himself up. - (PANTING)
What?
I can't stand being a fugitive anymore.
The hardest part is finding a bathroom.
- Nick, you mean it? You'll surrender? - (SIGHS)
My conscience is bothering me and I began to think of…
Well, how unfair all of this is to you and Myron and…
- Ira. - Ira.
I guess, if I was gonna put myself in anyone's hands, it'd be yours, Glenda.
I love these hands.
Soft and delicate and yet…
Strong and firm.
Some nights, I thought they'd rip my back apart.
I'm glad that you've come to your senses, Nick.
(SIGHS) We had something good.
We had something real. We had something permanent.
We had something that couldn't be destroyed by a little thing
like you marrying somebody else.
Oh… Uh…
Why don't you wait here and I'll go in and I'll get Myron?
- Ira. - Ira!
Uh… Ni… Um, Nick…
No! No, no. You mustn't, Nick. Don't do this.
We're in the middle of soup.
(GASPS) Oh…
- Tell me you miss the fun. - I don't.
- The laughs. - I don't.
- The pizzas in the bathtub. - I don't.
- The ice cubes in the bed. - I don't.
I don't! I love Ira.
I've never been more content.
Content?
Content isn't excitement. Content is content.
- You know what you used to do every time I came near you? -(SIGHS)
You used to shake and quiver.
That's what you're doing right now.
You're shaking and quivering all over.
Uh-huh, that's because I'm up against the refrigerator.
I want you back, Glenda.
If you don't wanna leave Ira I can handle it. I'm not selfish.
We can share our time with you. I'm out of town a lot anyway.
Nick, Nick… You're, you're getting me all confused.
I can't handle a lunatic ex-husband,
and six people for dinner at the same time, please.
- I'm gonna kiss you now. - No.
- One kiss. - No.
You tell me after that kiss that every things dead between us,
I'll never darken your lips again.
No kiss, Nick. I'm a married woman with the Governor in sight.
No kisses please.
You won't have to tell me. I'll see it in your eyes, I'll feel it in your body.
Should something occur to you however, don't be afraid to speak up.
(MUMBLING)
- Excuse me, they want their chicken now. - Uh…
- He just surrendered to me. - Mmm-hmm.
I just came to kiss everybody goodbye.
Uh, you wait here, drink coffee. I'll get Hyram.
Myron.
Ira, uh, to come in, and you can surrender to him formally.
To Ira…
It'll look good for the Governor.
Well, Chet, I think this calls for a drink.
I'll call for one.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(SIGHING)
Sorry I took so long.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
You don't look all right.
Yes, I do. Don't I look all right?
- She looks fine to me. - I think she looks all right.
She looks gorgeous.
She does? How does she look to you, Fred?
Fine.
Tell me the truth. Am I drunk?
You passed cold about two minutes ago. Can you serve?
I don't think so. I can drive but I can't serve.
Oh, you can do it, Chet. You just have to get through the chicken.
I can't even get through the door?
Well, you just hold out your hands. I'll give you the serving dish.
I'm getting sick.
If I smell that pepperoni sauce.
They're gonna get a cleaning bill from the Governor.
Stand up, Chester.
Hold out your hands.
Okay, here we go.
(THUDDING)
Pretty good.
Timing's a little off.
Well, what I'd like to do is have a meeting in Sacramento,
the first week in June with our entire team,
and try to coordinate some of the things we've been talking about tonight.
I look forward to that, Stanley.
Would you like more chicken?
More? We haven't had any.
I meant, any more.
(IRA CHUCKLING)
Why don't you ring the bell, honey?
(BELL RINGING)
You know, Fred and I have drawn up a ten point program
that encompasses most of those issues you're concerned with.
Good.
In so many areas, you know, the criminal code system is so antiquated.
IRA: And it take mountains of man-hours
to deal with issues that could be handled in the lower courts,
in one fiftieth the amount of time.
Thank you, Chester.
Stanley… (GASPING)
You okay?
Chester… (GASPING)
Holy shit… I beg your pardon, Governor.
What's wrong with everyone?
(STUTTERING) Nothing, Stanley. Everything's fine.
Ira, uh, Fred, it's all right.
Trust me. It's all right.
What's all right?
The chicken, sir. The chicken's all right.
Would you mind holding this just for one brief second?
Let's get that for you.
I'll get you this breast right up here.
I think you'll enjoy this.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
You look familiar. Were you here the last time?
Oh, I've been here quite often lately, sir.
My name's Nicholas. Beautiful choice.
- Thank you, Nicholas. - You're very welcome, ma'am.
- (CUTLERY CLANKING) - Sorry.
Where's Chester?
Uh, he's out for a moment.
Well, it smells terrific.
What should I do, Ira?
About what?
The chicken. Um…
Fred is a vegetarian,
and doesn't know if he should eat it.
So, why ask Ira?
Uh, Ira… Ira used to be a vegetarian,
and knows the things you should eat.
Eat the chicken, Fred.
Mmm. It's tangier than last time.
And very spicy. I like that.
Oh, thank you, sir. It's a little thing I picked up in Mexico.
Perhaps a little more sauce?
No, thank you. I'm fine.
But, Nicholas, you certainly look familiar.
You've never served me before?
No, sir. I voted for you last time. Maybe that was it.
- (LAUGHING) - Thank you.
I remember the reason must've been…
That'll be all, Nicholas.
- Go away. - (BELL RINGING)
You know, I would never take him for a butler.
I wouldn't either.
You always seem to come up with such interesting help, Glenda.
Where did you find him?
Oh, I've had him for years.
Would you all excuse me for a moment?
Peculiar time to go the john.
Ira, he came here to give himself up.
The man sleeps under my bed, drives my car, wears my tuxedo.
- I just wanna meet him. - (PLACING PHONE RECEIVER)
Hold it right there! You're under arrest!
Police are on their way.
Didn't like the chicken, huh?
Nick, this is Ira, my husband.
Ira.
Nick…
Oh, of course. We've met before.
You and Glenda were in the bed above me.
Yes, I know.
- (GLENDA SCREAMING) - (CLATTERING)
Are you crazy?
Are you out of your mind?
Who's gonna serve the coffee now?
I think you've unraveled, Glenda.
I think your spool is unwinding.
Let's just get through the dinner. We'll worry about him later.
- Chester, take care of him. - Mmm-hmm.
Sorry.
Is it time for the second group to go?
(IRA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Uh, Stanley…
Uh, before this goes any further,
I think I personally owe you an enormous apology.
For what?
Nicholas, the butler.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. I know how it is with help.
He's not help. He's Glenda's ex-husband.
You mean the one that's wanted for robbery in Carmel?
That's the one.
I see.
Well, why this man is serving us dinner has go be
one of the most interesting explanations I've ever heard.
Exactly. Glenda, you wanna explain it?
No.
Excuse me, Governor.
Mr. Parks, may I have a word with you, sir?
I'm busy now. Later, Nicholas.
I'm afraid it won't wait 'til later, sir.
All right. If you'll excuse me a moment.
What happened to his eye?
Uh, Ira punched him out in the kitchen.
- Really? No wonder you have trouble with your help. -(PUNCHING)
(CLATTERING)
If you'll excuse me for a moment.
(CLATTERING CONTINUES)
What was that?
Uh, that I imagine was Nicholas punching Ira out.
(MAN GRUNTING)
(CLATTERING)
There goes Fred.
- Oh, my God! Somebody do something. - (MAN GRUNTING)
- Notice how I remain calm? - (GLASS CLANKING)
I do that because I'm the governor.
- That's why I voted for you, Stanley. - Thank you.
(PUNCHING)
She shouldn't be in there by herself.
Would you like a cigar, Stanley?
I'd love one.
(BELL RINGING)
(METAL CLANKS)
(GROANS) You rang, madame?
(THUDDING)
(SNORING)
IRA: Are you asleep?
GLENDA: Of course not.
IRA: What are you thinking about?
GLENDA: Same thing you're thinking about.
IRA: Does he still mean anything to you, Glen?
GLENDA: Please don't ask me that.
IRA: Too late, I already did. Does he, Glen?
He's my client. I don't think I should be discussing him with you.
IRA: I love you.
I'm gonna do everything I can to fight for you.
I love you too,
and I'm gonna do everything I can to fight for you.
WOMAN: Nicholas J. Gardenia. Step forward, please.
JUDGE: Oh, hello, Mrs. Parks.
- Good morning, Your Honor. - What have you got for me today?
Ah-ha.
Your clients have moved up to the big-time, I see.
JUDGE: Bank robbery, breaking and entering, stolen car,
assault on the District Attorney.
Mr. Parks?
Haven't seen you in a courtroom for a long time.
Special interest in this case?
It's all in my brief, Your Honor.
Well, it's quite unusual to have the defending and the prosecuting attorney's
married to each other.
As well as the accused.
What's that?
(TALKING SOFTLY) Uh, Mr. Gardenia was my husband prior to Mr. Parks.
I'm sorry I didn't hear that. Can you speak up?
I was married to him before I was married to him.
JUDGE: I see.
Can't say that I blame you for not speaking up.
Marriages are all in the record, Your Honor.
What is this breaking and entering charge?
The accused is charged with breaking and entering
into a private home,
located at 242 Lotus Drive in Brentwood.
Happens to be my residence.
- And yours as well, Mrs. Parks? - Naturally.
- JUDGE: And you're filing the similar complaint? - I'm not.
You don't mind him breaking and entering?
The accused came there seeking my help.
At your invitation?
No. But he had no place else to go.
The police were chasing him.
Mrs. Parks, you mean to tell me you aided and abetted a known criminal?
I asked him to leave but he pulled a gun on me.
He threatened your life?
No, not really. There weren't any bullets in the gun.
Well, how do you know?
He told me.
You told her?
I didn't wanna scare her. We used to be married.
Mr. Parks, where were you when all this was happening?
I was upstairs in bed, Your honor. It was 2:00 in the morning.
Well, weren't you concerned about your wife?
No.
She said she was going to do some gardening.
The rabbits were eating her corn.
- (CHUCKLING) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Your Honor, uh…
This is the type of, uh, testimony that on the surface seems quite silly.
On the surface, in the middle and on the bottom.
I see your client stole your car, Mrs. Parks. Is that right?
No, it's not.
I saw him steal my car.
And I saw him bring it back.
You wanna take a whack at it?
I always thought it best to stay out of family quarrels.
My client did not steal my car.
He was lying on the floor when I drove away.
My husband was upset,
because his car was taken by the Indians who work for us.
The Indians? Our Indians?
Yes, Your Honor. You dismissed that charge last week.
I did. Must've been saving my strength for today.
JUDGE: Mr. Gardenia, will you answer a question for me please.
If I can be of any help on this case, Judge, it's my pleasure.
Mr. Gardenia, were you apprehended or did you surrender?
- Surrendered. - He was apprehended.
He was apprehended after he surrendered.
He didn't surrender to me. Therefore he was apprehended.
He was going to surrender to my husband after dinner.
I told him to wait in the kitchen.
And did you wait in the kitchen, Mr. Gardenia?
No. I had to serve dinner.
Wait a minute.
You served dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Parks?
And the Governor.
The gov…
Our governor?
I didn't ask him. He looked like our governor.
You Honor, I think our guest list is totally irrelevant to the charges.
I mean, if we're gonna get into such trivialities,
we might as well discuss what was served.
Chicken pepperoni, Your Honor.
The Governor seemed to enjoy it if has any bearing on the case.
Hold it, hold it, just… Will you hold it?
(SIGHING) Are you telling me
that while every police officer in the state of California
was looking for you,
you were serving dinner to the District Attorney, his wife and the Governor?
(LAUGHING)
How is that possible?
Well, you have to prepare everything in advance.
He was serving because the other butler got sick.
- What other butler? - Me, Your Honor.
I know that face.
Where do I know that face?
From here. It's mine.
Wasn't he up before me on a hubcap-stealing charge?
That's right, Your Honor. But I'm working for Mrs. Parks now.
JUDGE: Tell me something, Mrs. Parks.
Do you take just from me or from other judges, too?
(WHISPERING)
What? I'm doing something here.
I think you and I will have a long talk tonight, Glenda.
I look forward to it.
Anything special you'd like for dinner?
Would both counsels please approach the bench?
And the accused as well.
I think this might interest him.
(WHISPERING) Something fascinating has just come up.
Which in this case is redundant.
But may I suggest
that we drop the petty issues,
and just deal with the bank-robbing charges?
- That's acceptable to me, Your honor. - I'm all for speedy justice.
- Whatever my attorney says. - Get your arm off her shoulder.
All right, Bailiff, bring them in.
(DOGS BARKING)
Come back here!
Aurora, what are you doing here?
Hold that…
Whose dog is this?
Uh, me. They're mine, Your Honor.
The dogs work for you, too?
Only two of them. The other four are visiting.
(BARKING CONTINUES)
I want quiet in this courtroom!
I don't expect to get it, but let's go for it anyway.
- (BANGING GAVEL) - Quiet! Quiet, please! Quiet!
Will somebody tell me what happened? Please.
- Uh, me, me, Mr. Honor. - No!
My name is Aurora De La Hoya. I'm the cook for Mr. and Mrs. Parks.
- (DOG PANTING) - I come back to work this morning.
- I was in the hospital. I had to get my feet scraped. - Your what?
She had to have her feet scraped.
(LAUGHING)
Please. Order, please.
Mrs. Parks, would you please remove this dog.
He's dribbling on my briefs.
Oh! Excuse me.
- BAILIFF: Quiet! Quiet! - Come on, Hamlet. Let's go.
Please, will you keep them quiet.
Are you listening to me?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Continue. - Okay.
- All right continue. - Anyway I go to the bank this morning
- to get the money to feed all these dogs… - Wait a minute…
And all of a sudden these two gringos
grabs me outside and say,
"Hey, you! We're gonna rob a bank, lady."
I get so scared,
I can't think how to scream "Help" in English.
But inside the car,
the doggies see they had got me,
and they get worried, because if something happens to Aurora
they don't get their hamburger tonight. You understand?
So the doggies jump out
and grab the gringos and chew them all up into pieces.
Your Honor. Your Honor?
My client just told me
that these are men who kidnapped him and forced him to rob the bank.
And were apprehended by your cook and six of your own dogs?
Only two of the dogs are ours, sir.
The other four acted on their own responsibility.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Order, please.
I assume from these statements that these gentlemen here are willing to plea-bargain
in return for admitting the innocence of Mr. Gardenia. Is that correct, gentlemen?
Yeah. And, you know, man, yeah.
Well said. Well spoken, Bee Gee.
So, apparently, we've cleared everything up.
And all before lunch. Oh, I love things when they zip along.
Case dismissed.
Court's adjourned until 2:00 p.m.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
- We going home now? - All right, all right. That's enough now.
You keep away from my wife, keep away from my house.
Keep away from my car, my tuxedo, my chicken and especially my bed.
If I look under there and even see a pair of slippers,
I'm gonna shoot first and try them on after.
Come on, honey.
Ira, I'm sorry I'm late. Somebody stole my car.
NICHOLAS: Glenda.
Can I have just one minute with you?
Just one minute, Ira.
Time it.
- What if I said I'd change? - You wouldn't.
- What if I said I'd try? - You couldn't.
What if I said, "The hell with trying to change."? What if I said…
"I'm still nuts about you."?
What if I didn't say anything and grabbed you and ran?
I… I probably wouldn't do anything for a couple of weeks.
And then I'd come to my senses and run back to Ira.
I love him, Nick.
We have respect for each other
and regard and esteem.
I love the way your eyes curl up when you look at me.
I'm sorry. Regard, esteem…
And he's sweet and gentle.
And he's very sexy.
Very sexy?
Extremely sexy.
Extremely?
Enormously sexy.
He's one of the sexiest men I've ever met…
Well, look, I gotta be running along, uh,
I'm kind of busy. Very happy for you, Glenda.
Thank you, Nick.
Would you mind if I give you a small kiss goodbye?
No, I'd like that very much.
Think Ira would mind?
Probably.
Think we should ask him?
Probably.
Yo, Ira.
Is it okay if I kiss her goodbye?
No.
Just one little kiss.
Time it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well…
Bye, Nick.
Bye, Glen.
So long, Ira. You take good care of our girl.
(WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING CONTINUES)
Ira, let's get away. Let's take a vacation.
Just the two of us.
I think we need time away from work and careers.
Time to get to know each other again.
Sounds good to me.
Let's just get in the car and drive.
As long as there's no phones.
- No dogs. - No dogs.
GLENDA: And no-one else in the world who knows where we are.
Well, you got your wish.
No one in the world knows where we are,
including us.
Maybe we should ask if there's a motel around here.
Good idea. Is there a motel around here?
(GIGGLING)
Ira!
- GLENDA: Don't hit him! - (BRAKES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(THUDDING AND METAL CLANKING)
(GLENDA SCREAMING)
BOTH: Oh!
Honey… Ira…
Honey, are you all right?
(GROANING) I'm all right. Why is it always animals?
- Honey… - Oh, my leg! I think my leg's broken.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
- You all right? Okay. - Yeah.
No, don't, don't. Just go get some help.
- I don't wanna leave you. - No, leave me.
- Go to a telephone quick. It's okay. - All right.
- All right. I'll be right back. - Okay.
- I'll be back as soon as I can. - (GRUNTING)
- I love you. - I love you.
(RAIN FALLING)
(MOOING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Go away. Go away. Go home. Go home!
- (THUNDER RUMBLING LOUDLY) - (SCREAMING)
Oh, God! Oh…
Oh…
Oh… Oh!
Oh.
Oh, thank God!
(THUNDER RUMBLING CONTINUES)
- (BANGING) - Help!
Help! Is anybody home? There's been an accident!
- (TYPEWRITER CLICKING) - GLENDA: Help! Help!
Help!
I need help!